Endings...

December 12, 2011

So many things I could write about this a.m. I haven't visited my blog in about 3 months-wow-that's a first for me! I've only been blogging for this past year and it is truly therapeutic for me. Truth is, I've had a lot of things going on w/life and just haven't made the time to sit down to blog. I will try to do better though as it is one of the few ways that actually help me to express myself very openly, sometimes things come forth when I "write" that I don't even realize are in my heart. Most of what I blog starts with one single line of thought and leads me to places I didn't even dream they would! 

The title of my blog today is "endings".  Of course the most logical reason is that this blog brings about the "ending" of a year. It's truly amazing how many changes can occur in a years time and how many "endings" you find occured during your year. Since this is possibly the last post of this calendar year for me, I thought I would update everyone about my progress w/my word of the year, "Health".  In most regards, I have been very true to my focus word of the year. Not as much here at the end with my "physical" health as I wanted to be...but SO much better than where the year began.  Shortly after the last blog in mid-September, I "blew out" my calf muscle.  I tore the muscle pretty badly during a step aerobics class and couldn't really "exercise" on it for about 4 weeks.  As you know, in 4 weeks, you can develop new habits. Unfortunately, to keep from going NUTS, I replaced my exercise times with other activities and have not yet gotten back into a normal routine of exercise. I go some, but it isn't the same priority it was for me before I tore my calf.  It's not "on my schedule" every day as it was before. However, I am determined that will change. I will continue with my goal-I'm a little less than half way to where I want to be. My goal is to have the weight loss and stamina at its peak by mid-July. I know that I can do it, I will do it. I am just accepting this "temporary" lapse as that, "temporary".  There are tons of excuses (and really that's all they would be) that I could give for why I didn't continue on the same blazen trail I had for all of the 8 months prior to the incident, but instead I will accept responsibility for my actions and just say that I am determined to return at full speed instead of the half effort I am now putting forth.

 In other regards, I have absolutely been true to my focus word of "health" this year. Spiritually, I have been a part of a bible study group that has been looking at the OT tabernacle and the correlations it has to Jesus Christ. The study is written by Beth Moore and there is no material that I've ever studied that truly gets into the meat of the word the way that Beth Moore does. Her material uncovers things in a way that reaches me and that I understand/relate to. From all of the training I've had in education, I understand that everyone has their own "learning style"-well Beth Moore teaches to mine for sure! I have always wanted to be a part of a video series study of hers. LOVE her sanguine personality, her sincerity, and her wealth of knowledge of the scripture. Don't misunderstand, she doesn't "always" handle the word of God 100% accurately and I recognize the times that she contradicts scripture. However, she is a human being (as we all are) and the only truth is contained within God's word. Any time a human tries to expound God's word, there is potential to err.  I choose to look at all studies as a way to examine the TRUTH of God's word more deeply for myself. The writer is merely a vessel to help me do that, it is my personal responsibility to divide the Word accurately.  So, yes, spiritually speaking I have grown very much this year and have been so very blessed by this study.

Emotionally, I continue to make great progress in growth. There have been many opportunities for me to grow this year. Many travel opportunities with my family, being seperated from my husband for the last 6 months, continuing to "mentor" young women in MOPS, spending quality time with so many friends/family/brethren, etc...  My life/cup is full to overflowing and abundant indeed with emotional growth.  It hasn't all been easy, but growth usually does involve some pain. I am going through some "challenges" in that regard currently. Another reason for the name of this post. I found out over T'giving, that my Dad's stepsister was put into a facility because she has Alzheimer's. I have not seen my aunt Ruby in a number of years. But in my "memory", she is still a vibrant young woman full of life, healthy, etc... My heart aches for her/her family because prior to this they have been through so very much through the years prior to this tragic time.  You see, my aunt lost 2 of her 3 children within 2 1/2 years time to automobile accidents.  My memory of those days are deeply entrenched in my heart. For me, personally, those tragedies happened at a time in my life that was pivotal to the direction my life would take to this day. I would never again take life for granted. I would understand how temporary it is. I would choose to live every day with joy and suck every moment of happiness/love from the day that I could. Ultimately, I would choose to serve and love God w/all my heart, mind and soul because I was blessed to see tragedy up close/personal from 13 years of age(when my first cousin died in an accident).  I'm thankful for that blessing. So many I meet/talk to have never been blessed to experience tragedy up close/personal, I have to believe that it takes those people much longer to "grow up" and mature to the place of understanding/appreciating the gift that life truly is.  Back to my aunt. I remember the heartbreak, the look of hurt in her eyes, etc... during the time she lost her 14 yr old son-we were all in shock as of course it was an accident that was sudden.  When she lost her daughter 2 1/2 years later-we all didn't know if she was going to make it. Literally, she was broken to pieces. Shocked that once again, she was facing a tragedy and clinging dearly to the one child she had left in this world. I remember watching her rock back/forth in a rocking chair that set in my cousin's room, just wailing-I believe that was the first time I ever actually experienced someone "wailing" and it was gut wrenching:(  But, she was a strong woman and after a few years, she had picked up the pieces of her broken heart and turned things around and decided to "give back" the love she still had to share. She took in foster children-even adopted one of them. I remember thinking, "What strength" she had and love she had in her hert to be able/desire to share her love with others instead of setting around feeling sorry for herself. She was my "hero" in that regard and I prayed I would always be strong enough to do something similar should my life bring tragedy. When my Daddy told me that she was in a home suffering from Alzheimer's, I was so very sad. I received word Saturday that she is now in the hospital in a totally unresponsive state and things do not look good for her at all.  It is just so very difficult to think about "endings".  My aunt has had to face so many "endings" in her life and my heart aches to think of her own personal ending being so tragic as well.  Alzheimer's is an absolute gut wrenching thing to occur in a family.  This family has already experienced so much tragedy. My aunt is only in her 60's and this all happened so very quickly. But, as I sit here writing this morning, I am thinking about all of the "good" times with my aunt.  All of those Christmas Eve nights at my Granny D's with the adults playing cards around the table, the kids being goofy outside or listening to music in the bedroom/watching Christmas movies, etc...  All of those photos we all had made in front of Granny's Christmas tree every year.  It was a "tradition" and we did the same things together year after year.  My aunt Ruby was always smiling...even during those difficult years when she lost her children-she was there at Granny's around her loved ones.  It is my prayer today that all of those that she has touched will surround her with their love as she goes through these final moments in her life upon this earth.  She touched me in ways that she probably never really fully understood. Her life circumstances helped change me from the inside out. I learned from watching her that no matter what life brings you, you CAN get through it with love and time. I learned not to take life for granted but to appreciate each day as a gift to love more deeply and cherish those that are around you even in the little things. I learned from the strength she showed in picking up the pieces of her heart and moving forward with her life and not letting her circumstances get her "stuck" and unable to love/live her life to the fullest. It was her example that helped me when I tragically lost my Mom.  Yes, I grieved and my heart was broken, but NO I would not let her death define me for the rest of my life of define who SHE was.  Instead, I would be so very thankful for the time I had with her and use the rest of my own life to love those around me more deeply, cherish the moments I have with them, etc...

One more thing before I close today.  My Daddy is also in the same hospital as my aunt. He has pneumonia again-3rd time this year. Daddy's health (lack thereof) has been a huge motivator for me in changing my own physical health. Each time my Dad is hospitalized, I wonder if this will be the end for him. Not because I am a "pessimist", not because I don't pray that he will recover, etc...but merely to prepare my heart a little more for the break it will experience when I get that phone call.  When my Mom left this earth, I was NOT prepared-no one can be when it involves tragedy.  When I get that call about my Daddy, I will be much more prepared because I expect it.  I've expected it for a long time. I treasure each the time I have with him each time I visit him, because I know one day it will be the "last" time. There is nothing left "unsaid", my Daddy knows how much I love him, treasure him, appreciate him.  My Daddy was my first love.  Because of him, I was "picky" about who I chose to be my husband. It had to be a "special" man that would care for me the way that my Daddy did.  My Dad often tells me how proud he is to have John as his son-in-law. It is because of the love my Daddy had for me that I was wise enough to choose someone that would "value" me, our marriage, our children, etc... Though in personality, my husband/Daddy are very different.  In character/values of family, work ethic, being a "man's man", they are very much the same. 

I pray that if any of my reader's are experiencing any personal "endings" in their lives, they will draw strength from knowing that if we all prepare ourselves for eternity-there will be no more endings!  God knows no time, God created "time", but in Him there are no time limits...eternity is forever. Live your life on this earth with recognition that it is temporary and WILL end, but understanding that preparation for eternity (life without ending) is why we are here.  Love and cherish those around you each day, let them know (if they don't already), specifically, why they are important to you/what they mean to you so that if their life or yours has an ending-there will be nothing left unsaid. Until next time-may the end of this calendar year bring many blessings of "time" to us all, time to do the things that are eternally important.