As a person that considers herself an optimist/encourager/friend...in recent days I find myself struggling. There are many reasons for this, not all of which I want to speak directly about here on this forum. However, I find blogging to be therapeutic, so I am going to use this to express a myriad of feelings, thoughts, etc...that I've had recently about a variety of things.
As the title says, life can be HARD! I know that many of you know this-you are aware because you've had/are having experiences in your life this very minute that are difficult. I have gone through more "big" changes in this last year than my entire lifespan prior to that. There is a "scale" out there that counselors/psychiatrists use to calculate your lifespan based on various factors of change within your life. Even if the "change" is a "good" change, it still adds a layer of stress to your life, which is known to decrease one's lifespan. My life from November 2014-November 2015 is almost unrecognizable. I could go on and on about each of the changes-but I won't-because it isn't profitable. Instead, I will hit the highlights and move forward with purging my soul.
In 1 years time, I have faced 31 days in the hospital with my Daddy who was dying. He was leaving this world and I was left with some very difficult decisions to make "for him" in his final days/hours. I spent another month, away from my family, trying to handle immediate business for my Dad's estate, following his passing. I returned home to AZ, desperately needing to purge my house and prepare it for my husband's upcoming 30 year retirement/our FINAL move across the country to our new "empty nest" home. I attended/participated in many goodbye celebrations for my husband's retirement, leaving our beloved church family in AZ, leaving behind my children, etc... I left an adult daughter, behind, in AZ-in the hands of our loving Christian family-but for the first time, she was completely "set free" and independent. I left my other "emerging" adult daughter behind, for a short time-then went to help her move across the country to complete her college experience at the college of her choice. I adjusted to life in a 240 sq ft living space in our travel trailer, with just my husband/I again. I helped my husband "project/finance" manage the building of our retirement house (still in process). I have handled disgruntled extended family members in the handling of my Dad's estate. I've dealt with the law/court system in handling my Dad's estate. I've been hated/despised by many of my own extended family-even to the point of the contesting of my handling my Dad's estate. I have continued to deal with my only biological brother's, drug addiction problem, and all of the many issues that come with that. I have tried to expedite/help financially and emotionally, with my Aunts and 2 younger (mentally disabled) brothers move out of my Dad's house into their own respective places as they begin living their lives/adjusting to life without my Daddy. I was made "consciously" aware that my Daddy was not my biological father. Something that apparently I was made aware of, early in my life, but hid somewhere VERY deep. I am a middle aged woman with the physical woes that come with this time in life-I'm sure ALL 50ish year old women know/understand EXACTLY what I'm talking about! I have a new job-a program that had to be "launched" (built from the ground up) in this small community because it had not been properly carried out for a number of years and the poor reputation of the program had to be overcome. I went through MANY hours of training, many hours of recruiting, many hours of adjusting to being a "lone ranger" and working this program solo, many hours adjusting to working in a small community school, etc... I'm adjusting to a new church family-a small one that I will work with for the remainder of my years one this earth. I'm adjusting to a new community/new friends. Trying to find my "place" here and get to know as many people as possible so that I can be an asset here. I've finally gotten to be the "pseudo" grandparent for my nieces that they deserve and the sister that is "involved" and "active" in my sister's family life-not just a support from a distance. So, yep, lots of changes. Certainly not all of them are "bad". Not at ALL...many of them have been true blessings to my heart-even those that have been "hard", I am learning a LOT of life lessons from and growing from. But in it all-I see the hand of God.
Yes, the hand of God. That which I always look for because He is the center of my world. Whatever is going on in my life, I am always looking for God. Where is He, what opportunities is He offering me, am I missing an opportunity to grow/learn, etc...? The one thing that this past year has taught me is that life can be VERY hard...it is always changing. But, this life is not meant to be easy. If it were easy, would I long for Heaven? Would I long to be with the Savior and strive to live my life, daily, for Him-if everything was wonderful/easy? All of it makes me LONG for Heaven, to cry out, "Come, Lord Jesus"...it just frankly gets OLD! I get tired, weary, and discouraged when it's hard. But then comes the refreshing of the Lord's Spirit. Oh, how wonderful and true He is to His promises. He sends the Comforter. The One that will see me through EVERY valley of hard along this life's journey in this world. He reminds me of EVERY valley He's carried me through in the past...and there have been a LOT of them. I am reminded that not only will I survive, I WILL triumph!!! How do I know this? Because I am a child of the King! I belong to Him, I have been washed in the blood of the Lamb. I may have difficult days while living in this sin filled world-but I know the end and GOD WINS!!!! Hallelujah...praise Him-Jesus triumphed over the grave and because of that...so will I!!! I will be with God and all of the faithful for all of eternity...no more sorrow, no more tears, etc...just praising God and surrounding His throne with the faithful remnant that have gone on before me. Satan will be FOREVER locked up...no longer allowed to roam and cause me hurt/pain. That's WHY this world is hard, because Satan is roaming about seeking who he may devour. But, he will NOT have me...I cannot control who he can/will have...all I can do is encourage everyone that I meet to seriously consider who they give their allegiance to...God or Satan. I DO determine which path I choose and I choose God. I want to be on the winning side! This is THE story...the most important event of all history...and I KNOW the ending....GOD WINS. I am going to do everything that I can to make sure I'm on the winning team by obeying Him!
Due to my positive/optimistic nature, I can't end a post merely looking to the future. I "keep my eyes on the goal", but live my life, here and now, the best that I can. One of the ways that I do that is simple...NOT easy to do...but simple. I have JOY. Even in the middle of all of the discouraging/disappointing/heartbreaking events that may come my way...I am reminded that the "joy of the Lord is my strength". I am blessed. I cannot insult God by not appreciating/recognizing all that He's ALREADY done for me! Not just in the promise of eternity-but in this life-right NOW! Here are some things that I can have infinite JOY in from some of the life changes that I've encountered in the last year. The blessing of having 2 grown adult daughters that fear and love the Lord. They do not live their lives in sinless perfection, they make mistakes, but truly-their hearts/live are FOR God and there is no greater gift that could be given to my heart than to "know my children walk in truth". The blessing of having wonderful childhood memories with my parents and at the end of their respective lives-having a loving/caring "adult" relationship with them. That is a gift that NO ONE can take from me...not even disgruntled family members. I may not "know" my earthly father-but I CERTAINLY had the blessing of having a LOVING earthly Daddy that took care of me/loved me as his own...what a blessing that is! The blessing of loving church family...truly, God's provision through His children is far beyond any earthly relationship. The local congregation is a lifeline for me in this world and I'm so thankful. The new "job" and "friendships" I am making in our local community...it has been more amazing than I could ever have imagined. We have been welcomed with open arms and it is EASY to see why my sister has enjoyed living/working in this small place. The blessing of a "shelter" a place to call home-it is NOT the walls of a house that make a home-it's the loving/caring relationships that abide within the "shelter" that make it home. Even in the middle of building a "house", I already have a home! A home that has been expanded in love by the blessing of being in my sister/her family's life each and every day-living in the same community! A dream that I've had for almost 3 years now...from the day we purchased the 4 acres here in our small retirement community. From that day, I began to imagine my sister/I living in the same community, being "pseudo" grandma to her girls, just enjoying every day life, growing old together, just appreciating every simple memory we have the pleasure of making together. Though I don't know what the future holds...I do know that the present cannot be taken away! Money doesn't matter, houses don't matter, relationships do! My greatest joy has come through my husband. Truly, how many can say that their husband has built them a HOUSE! He works SO hard, every day, one project at a time, trying to complete the shelter that will become our lifetime "home". A place that I intend to feel FULL of love and memories with those new "friends" in our local community, God's family that He's provided us with here, any of our physical/extended family members that choose to be in our lives/love us, a place for our "grown" daughters to return to/find peace and comfort from the trials of the world, and finally a place to blossom some of those beautiful memories with my sister's family that I've longed to be with for the last several years. My husband is the MOST AMAZING support...he has been through each and every valley with me. He has listened, patiently, to my concerns/my heart as the pressures of life have mounted over the last year. He has continued to LOVE me, despite my inability to give back to him the way that he truly deserves. You see, my husband has had some of the same stressors...but in my selfishness, I have not always recognized that. He lost my Daddy too. He has to "deal with" my disgruntled family too. He had a MAJOR life change after 30 years of military service. We've walked this journey, together, and I truly appreciate/respect/honor him for all that he is to me/for me. I don't deserve it...truly, he could do much better and deserves much more than I give. Again, God has provided/blessed.
I will end this by saying...I pray for eyes to see what is right in front of me. Yes, life can be hard/life IS hard. I choose this day to continue serving the Lord. That one decision will resolve "all" things that are hard. He will provide, "exceedingly/abundantly above all that I can think/ask". He already has.
